Letting Go
by trekkie'227
Summary: What if Alex's fight with the Unsub in 9x20 had gone a little differently? This time she won't make it out unscathed, if at all. Nominated for the Profiler's choice 2014 awards! Please go to their forum and vote (Jan 15-Feb 15) if you liked this story. Thank you!
1. Chapter 1

**Obviously, SPOILIERS for 9x20: Blood Relations. Also, slight spoilers for the season finally, Demons.**

The pond was eerily quiet as Alex crept towards the bank. There were no croaking frogs or humming mosquitoes. Not even a single owl was calling out to the yellow moon. The pond was motionless as well. It looked as though the green sludge was congealing, that it was not entirely liquid. Alex could have sworn that she saw this scene in a horror movie once, the kind that James liked. The thought made her shiver.

Carefully, Alex made her way along the water's edge, ignoring the foreboding knots wrapping themselves around her stomach. She paused for a moment, squinting at a figure leaning against an old tree farther along the bank. The figure's head hung down, but there was enough moonlight for Alex to determine that it was Cissy Howard.

Alex's first instinct was to check on the motionless figure, but experience made her pause. Clearly, the women had not tied herself to the tree and the Unsub would not just abandon his biological mother; she was his endgame. No, if Cissy was here, the Unsub was too. "Hotch, I see her. She's tied to a tree by the pond," Alex reported, speaking clearly but softly into her radio.

Hotch's reply came a moment later. "Hold your position Blake, he might be using her as bate. We're on our way."

_Makes sense_, thought Alex, glad she had paused to think. "Alright Hot-" She attempted to respond. Before she could finish her sentence, a figure surged out of the shadowed trees behind her and swung a thick branch into her right temple. Alex grunted in surprise and fell, along with the Unsub, into the murky pond.

For a few moments, the world was black. Static replaced the sharp clarity in Alex's brain from a moment ago. All she heard was the blood pounding in her ears. Then her body splash into the water and the cool liquid jerked Alex out of her trance. She used one hand to push against the mushy earth beneath her and managed to break the surface, coughing and gasping for breath. She struggled to her feet, sinking calf-deep into the mud and tried to locate the Unsub. Her head throbbed and everything was fuzzy. Blood was dripping into her eye from the gash on her temple. She couldn't focus. The world was a confusing mesh of blurry, spinning colors.

Then a strong hand squeezed her shoulder and shoved her forward. Alex whirled, clutching her gun and preparing for a fight. Arms encircled her body, trapping her against him. His face was mere inches from her own, yellowing teeth bared in a determined scowl. There was no room to maneuver – she didn't have the space to aim the gun.

Desperately, Alex squeezed off a shot with her gun still pointing into the water, hoping to hit his foot. Using the temporary distraction, she freed her arms and shoved at the man's chest. She leveled the gun for another shot but he grabbed her wrist with a snarl and the bullet flew harmlessly into the air.

His grip on her wrist was too tight. She could almost feel her bones grinding together in protest. He brought his other fist up, squeezing harder, fingers scrabbling for control of the weapon. Alex cried out in frustration as she lost her grip on the slimy gun. It sunk into the green water and disappeared into the mud.

Alex pulled one leg from the muck bellow her and tried to knee him in the groin, but the suction of the mud and water slowed the attack. Still, it was enough to make the Unsub loosen his grip. She wrenched her arm free and prepared for another attack. He was faster. She barely managed to block his jab with her arm, but felt the weakened bones in her wrist snap.

Bones crunched together and a sudden hot, sickening pain engulfed the agent. But this was not the first time Alex had broken a bone. She sucked in a breath, pushed the pain away, and lashed out at his cheek. A satisfying grunt let her know that she had met her mark, but it was accompanied with an escalating pain in her wrist. Her fingers tingles unpleasantly and bolts of pain shot all the way up to her shoulder. The injury was already swelling and Alex knew the stiffness would render her hand useless.

Then a fist collided with her bleeding temple and she fell into the water.

For a split second Alex was stunned, unable to move. She gasped at the pain, but inhaled only water. Her body rebelled and she coughed reflexively, which caused her to choke more. Panic began to tighten her chest. She couldn't see, couldn't think, couldn't _breathe_. Broken bones and a concussion she could deal with. But this was worse. This pain penetrated her chest. It made her lungs burn and throat tight. Alex could not subdue this overwhelming pain. It controlled her.

A figure appeared above her, blocking out the rippling surface. Relief surged through Alex's veins. Someone had followed her down into the gloomy depths of the pond. The team had arrived. She would be safe. The man grabbed hold of her shoulders and she relaxed, expecting to be towed to the surface. Instead of pulling her up, he pushed her down.

The team hadn't arrived. The Unsub was going to drown her.

The panic returned in full force and Alex thrashed back and forth, but her movements her sluggish. The throbbing in her head had climaxed, overpowering her entire body. She couldn't flex her right wrist. Even moving it through the water was excruciating. She was exhausted; she wanted to give in. Then James floated into her thoughts. And Ethen. She kept struggling for them, though she could barely summon enough energy to wave her hand though the water, let alone fight back.

Then the Unsub was gone. Alex could almost make out the moonlight through the green water. All she had to do was push off of the ground. That was it. But the light was fading. Her head lulled to the side. Was that Ethen, stretching out a hand to her? Was she hallucinating? She couldn't tell anymore. _I'm coming Ethen_, she thought as her eyes drifted closed and she embraced the peaceful numbness of oblivion.

**Thank you for reading! The next chapter is from the teams POV as they try to save Alex. Will they be in time? **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the nice comments! I wasn't sure if people would respond well since Alex isn't all that popular. Anyway, here is chapter 2.**

Derek was sneaking through a group of stocky trees when Blake's report came over the radio. He had glimpsed the water a few minutes ago, and immediately turned to assist Blake as Hotch's crackly voice replied. He moved swiftly but quietly, not wanting to spook the Unsub into action.

"Alright Hot-" Blake's response was cut off by a low grunt of surprise. Silence followed. "Blake!" Derek called in alarm. He broke into a run, giving up on his stealthy approach, and crashed through the underbrush. An all too familiar feeling was flooding his body, the same feeling he got when any one of his friends was in danger: dread suppressed by a fierce focus. As long as there was a task at hand, something physical and productive to accomplish, Derek was able to quash any emotion.

Finally, Derek reached the fork in the path and turned. "Blake!" he hollered again. "BLAKE!" He vaulted over a rotting tree branch and skidded to a stop at the water's edge, scanning the bank wildly. Cissy was still tied to the tree, but Derek couldn't tell if she was moving. There was no sign of Blake or their Unsub, no sound of a struggle. Did that mean that Blake had lured the man away from Cissy? Or had he subdued her and was now waiting to ambush the rest of the team?

Rossi and JJ came barreling down the path just as Derek was about to charge back into the trees to look for Blake. He glanced at them and shook his head slightly. "She's not here," he said in a low voice. JJ's eyes widened. She desperately looked around, staring into the woods and the rippling water.

Rossi grimaced. "I'll check on Mrs. Howard," he decided as Hotch and Reid joined the trio.

"Where-" Hotch started to ask. Derek shook his head solemnly again, beginning to move along the bank to scan the trees and water. Dread was starting to creep up into his throat now. Where _was_ she?

* * *

Reid was the last team member to enter the clearing. Rossi had already started jogging over to free Cissy so Reid was going to help Morgan as he began to circle the pond, but something caught his eye. The water was motionless except for one spot a few feet from the shore. There, it was rippling as if something had recently disturbed it, or was moving around beneath the murk…

"Reid, what?" JJ asked in surprised as the young agent pushed passed her and into the water. He didn't pause to respond, wading out into the pond and diving in at the ripples' epicenter.

All sound stopped. It was as if the rest of the world had blinked out of existence. Reid squinted around, desperate to find his comrade in the almost opaque water. It was nearly impossible to see, as if he were trying to see through a thick green curtain. Just as Reid was about to surface, he noticed a figure floating directly below him. Blake, inches above the thick mud, drifting slightly with the water. Her thick brown hair had fanned out, blocking her face from view. Reid felt his heartbeat quicken in his throat. She wasn't trying to surface. She wasn't reaching to him for help.

Reid swam down quickly, linked his arms over her chest, and kicked off the ground. They surfaced and Reid towed her to the water's edge. Strong arms grabbed Blake's body, hauling her out of the cold water. Reid shoved his dripping hair out of his eyes and allowed JJ to pull him to his feet. He stumbled after her and knelt down next to Blake.

"I can't find a pulse," Hotch informed them gravely. He pulled off Blake's bulletproof vest and unceremoniously ripped open her shirt. Blake's chest was still. Immediately, he positioned his hands at the center of her breastbone and started pumping, counting each chest compression out loud. JJ positioned herself next to her friends head. After thirty compressions, she breathed into Blake's mouth.

Reid watched, momentarily frozen, as Hotch and JJ performed CPR. Facts and calculations ran through his brain. He should be doing something. Morgan needed help to find the Unsub. Someone needed to call an ambulance for Blake and possibly for Cissy as well. He knew he should help the rest of his team but his limbs would not respond. So he crouched by the body of his friend and stared, hoping that JJ could breathe life into her.

Time seemed to slow down. Reid was not aware of Morgan and Rossi returning from their search and joining the huddle around Blake. He did not hear the sirens in the distance, nor see Cissy being led off by another officer. The silence where Blake's breath should be was deafening; it drowned out everything else. She couldn't die. Not like this. Alex was special, different. She understood him like no one else had. Like no one else would.

The arrival of the paramedic's broke through Reid's trance. They rushed to Blake's side with their equipment, backboard at the ready for transport. The sudden commotion threw Reid's senses into overdrive. He was acutely aware of the defibrillator's ominous drone; Blake had no heartbeat. JJ had stepped back and was shifting impatiently in her spot. Morgan was clenching and unclenching his fists. Reid could even hear Hotch's labored breathing. Sounds, movements, and colors swirled together. Everything was a jumble. Nothing Made sense.

Until Blake gasped.

**I was going to make you guys wait till chapter three to learn of Alex's fate, but decided that it would be too cruel. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! And don't worry; there's more to the story. Reid and Alex have some things to discuss. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to everyone who has left a nice comment. They are very motivating. And feeling motivated leads to faster updates! Anyway, enjoy!**

Alex was rudely ripped from the peaceful blackness by a sudden electric jolt that made her entire body buzz. She coughed, feeling warm water bubble up through her lips. Desperately, she tried to suck in a breath to quell the unbearable ache in her chest but all she could do was cough up more water. Then a firm hand was on her back, turning her body. Alex coughed again and felt a final dribble of water slither down her cheek. Finally, she inhaled and felt the cool air sooth her burning throat.

More hands turned her body around and something was placed over her mouth and nose. All of a sudden more air was forced into her mouth. At first, Alex fought the mask. She turned her head feebly and tried to bring her hand up to pull it away, but pain radiated up to her shoulder when she tried to move. She didn't understand what was happening. Her thoughts were muddled and her senses weren't working properly. Where had Ethen gone? What was going on? Why did everything hurt?

Alex moaned softly and lay still. She allowed the hands to maneuver her limp body onto something flat and hard. She could tell that they were moving; the movement of the cool air against her clammy skin made her shiver and moan again. Another hand, this one soft and small, brushed her hair behind her ear. Then it gripped her left hand and squeezed gently.

The moving stopped. Alex blinked lazily and squinted at the hand holding the accursed mask against her face. There were too many lights; she couldn't see anything except the brightness. And the sounds! A high-pitched screech vibrated in her skull, amplifying her pounding headache. Someone was poking at her uninjured arm. Then something warm trickled into her body. The warmth chased away her pounding headache and the burning in her lungs. It drowned out the screeching and the loud voices. Alex smiled and allowed the warmth to take her back into oblivion. Maybe her son would be there when she woke up again.

* * *

Hotch thanked the young nurse and walked down a short hallway to the waiting room which she had indicated. He had driven back to the station to debrief Cissy Howard and ensure that the police were ready to take over the search for their unnamed Unsub. After being with the BAU for so many years, this procedure was second nature. This was a good thing because Hotch couldn't concentrate on anything that was going on in the cramped building. His thoughts were with his fallen agent – who was possibly fighting for her life – and not with the unsub's mother or his (hopefully) impending capture.

The waiting room was small and plain. When Hotch entered, an unfortunately familiar sight greeted him. Morgan, full of nervous energy, was pacing back and forth. JJ sat stiffly, solemnly observing the speckled tiles under her chair. Reid was staring at the blank wall and tapping his foot impatiently. No one spoke. Hotch remembered gathering in similar rooms with the rest of his team before. Elle, Reid, Garcia, Prentiss, JJ. They had all been seriously injured due to their jobs at the BAU. He had also been confined to a hospital bed because of his encounter with George Foyet. Sometimes it seemed as though they could not go a whole year without somebody almost dying. After every incident he got a little more anxious, wondering if this time it wouldn't be almost.

Hotch turned as someone approached the doorway, expecting a doctor. Instead, Rossi walked in with a cardboard tray of coffee cups. "I figured we all needed something to do with our hands," he explained to Hotch, placing the tray on an end table littered with out-of-date magazines. He chose a seat next to JJ and placed a comforting hand on her knee. She gave him a wobbly smile in return.

Finally, after a few more minutes of tense silence, a man in light blue scrubs walked in. He glanced down at his overflowing clipboard and looked around the room quizzically. "Family of Alexandra Blake?" he asked.

Everyone stood up and clustered around the doctor. "How is she?" Hotch asked somberly.

"Miss Blake is going to be fine." He reported calmly. "She has a grade two concussion two cracked ribs, and a broken wrist, but she should make a full recovery in a few months. She is getting her wrist set now. Once she gets back, a nurse will take you to her room. We would like to keep her for at least another twelve hours to monitor the concussion."

The team let out a collective sigh of relief. Though Hotch's expression remained unchanged, he relaxes internally.

"Is she conscious?" Morgan inquired.

"Not at the moment." The doctor replied. "We gave her some medication for the pain, but they should wear of soon. I suggest that you keep your visit brief. Miss Blake needs rest and the concussion will make her drowsy and confused."

"Thank you Doctor," Hotch said, shaking the man's hand. He nodded and backed out of the room. Hotch turned to the rest of the team. "Once we see Blake, I want everyone back at the hotel," he instructed. "Get some rest. We'll fly back to DC as soon as she is released. I'll call Blake's husband. Someone needs to let Garcia know what is going on."

"I will," Morgan Volunteered. He pulled out his phone and stepped into the hallway. Hotch followed. Making these calls never got any easier.

* * *

Reid silently returned to his seat as Morgan and Hotch left to make their phone calls. He had refused to return to the hotel, and his cloths had dried stiffly. His usually floppy hair was sticking up at odd angles and he definitely still had some pond water in his ear. However, Reid barley registered the discomfort. His mind back at the lake, back with Alex.

Reid remembered pulling her out of the water. He could still feel the weight of her body in his thin arms and hear her desperate coughs. He had come so close to losing one of his best friends, just like he had lost Maeve. And Gideon and Emily and Elle. How many people could walk out of his life before he stopped caring about anyone? Attachments were dangerous; the people who gave him the most amazing joy had the power to inflict the most unimaginable pain too.

But Alex hadn't left him. She was going to be fine. She would heal and rejoin the team and everything would go back to normal.

Right?

**Please leave a comment and tell me what you think! Also, I would love to hear any suggestions or predictions. I have an idea where this story is going to go, but I'd still love to hear your thoughts. **


	4. Chapter 4

The team gathered quietly around Blake's hospital bed, watching her sleep. Her hair was still dirty and tangled, but the mud had been cleaned off her skin. A neat row of black stitches crossed over her temple and her right wrist had been encased in a white cast. A thin tube had been secured under her nose and an IV dripped slowly into her uninjured arm. Despite all of this, Blake's expression was serene, as if she were having a particularly pleasant dream.

Reid stayed at the foot of his friend's bed and observed the rest of the team. JJ had taken a seat by Blake's head and was gently holding her hand. Everyone else drank in the sight of her moving chest. Reid even saw Hotch's normally grim expression soften as he watched his sleeping agent.

When the team had been satisfied that Blake was indeed alive and on the path to recovery, Hotch motioned for them to follow him out of the room. Reid paused for a moment to look back before stepping out the door. Once outside, the team started to consult each other about what they had just seen as they walked toward the elevator.

"Hotch?" Reid called out suddenly. "I'm going to stay." Hotch opened his mouth, presumably to argue against Reid's decision, but he continued. "Most of the time, waking up after a head injury is jarring and confusing. It has been proven that being in familiar surroundings or with familiar people is highly beneficial."

"You need to sleep too Reid. We still have a lot of work to do," Hotch explained.

"Someone else can come by after they rest," Reid suggested, then added "she shouldn't be alone."

Hotch nodded, consenting to Reid's insistence. "I can come relive you in a few hours Reid," JJ volunteered.

"Alright," Reid replied. "Take your time. I can function without sleep for up to forty-eight hours. I'll be fine." The elevator dinged sharply, ending their conversation. Reid watched the rest of the team crowd through the heavy metal doors before returning to Blake's room.

Even though Blake's door was open, the room was eerily quiet. Reid settled himself in JJ's vacated chair and gazed around the small, clean space. He didn't know why he had volunteered to stay; it was true that Blake would benefit from a familiar presence, but that wasn't the reason. He just couldn't leave her all alone. She would be fine of course; Blake could take care of herself. She could even take care of him, something his own mother never quite accomplished. Reid felt a desire, even an obligation to return the favor. But what could he do? She was unconscious and Reid was alone with his thoughts.

"Hey Blake," Reid said hesitantly. "There have been a multitude of hypotheses concerning a coma patient's ability to hear, but there are a lack of data about people simply under anesthesia or similar drugs. I don't know if you hear me. But you probably already know that. And it's not really significant right now anyway. Well, whether or not you can hear me is, but the lack of scientific evidence is irrelevant." He paused and drew in a deep breath. He was babbling, being redundant. "I hope you can hear what I'm saying. I'm just… I'm just glad you're okay." He finished lamely.

He was being stupid, a trait Reid had rarely attributed to himself. Stupidity wasn't the correct word anyway. Awkward perhaps? JJ was much better at being comforting. Blake was too. She was intelligent – though not quite as intelligent as himself – but she was also calm and caring. She was good with interpersonal interactions; Reid had never seen her at a loss for words. If their positions were reversed, Reid thought, what would she do?

"You're going to be fine," he continued with slightly more confidence. "We will help you recover. You'll be back with the team in a few weeks. And we are going to find him."

Reid reached out to take Blake's left hand in his and squeezed it gently, just as JJ had done earlier. His brain told him that hand holding was both a sign of affection and support. More convincing, however, was the warmth spreading through his chest. Reid had no name for the emotion; he only knew that if felt right. Slowly, he reached his right hand up to join his left and sandwiched Blake's between them. Even if she couldn't hear him, Reid decided, she could feel his support. He gently applied a little more pressure.

Blake's eyes opened.

* * *

Alex was floating. She couldn't see but she knew that she was safe. She spread her arms and enjoyed the weightless feeling. A voice drifted up to her ears and she closed her eyes to listen. The words were unintelligible but the tone was soft and familiar.

A memory spiraled into focus. She had been floating, but it wasn't like this. The world had been a murky green and she couldn't breathe. A face came into focus. A young boy swimming towards her. _Her_ young boy pulling her away from the pain and to the shimmering light.

Alex tried to reach into the memory, to feel his slim body in her arms just one more time. But something held her back. Someone was gripping her hand and tugging her away. She desperately tried to call out, but no sound would come. _Please, not again. I can't do this again!_

The grip was tightening, her blissfully blank surroundings fading. She wasn't floating anymore and her entire body ached. Lazily, Alex squinted at her new environment. It was bright and white and clean. The grip was released and the same voice spoke, but Alex still couldn't understand. She turned her head slightly and her eyes found his intense brown gaze. A slow smile spread over Alex's face. She cleared her scratchy throat and managed to croak a single word.

"Ethen?"

**I hope you enjoyed! Nexus44 has requested that the team goes after the Unsub. I don't think that is on the agenda for this fic, but I've been trying to figure out a plot for a sequel. Thoughts?**


	5. Chapter 5

Alex looked in hopeful awe at the intelligent brown eyes above her. The familiarity in that gaze was comforting. "Alex?" said a concerned voice from behind the eyes. "Can you hear me? Alex, do you know where you are?" Alex recognized the voice as the one that she had heard when she was floating in the nothingness. Could she be getting her wish? Was she going to get the chance to hold her son one more time?

Slowly, everything came into focus. The boy had unkempt hair and slim build, just as she had expected. Alex blinked harder, noticing the details of his face. Something was wrong. This person wasn't a boy. He was too old and too serious and too conservatively dressed. The lazy smile that had worked its way across her face vanished, replaced by a disappointed frown. _He's dead,_ she reminded herself. _Ethen is gone. He's never coming back_.

Alex felt her cheeks burn. Salty tears squeezed out of her partially closed eyes and snaked down her face. She had been so sure that she had felt his thin arms gather her up, taking her away from the water and the pain. And the eyes that were now fixed on her face; they held so much determination and curiosity exactly like Ethen's did.

The sadness and frustration built inside Alex's chest, tightening her muscles painfully. She no longer had a reason to fight the intoxicating allure of drug-induced sleep. As she drifted back towards oblivion, one thought circled through her mind.

_He's dead. Gone. Never coming back._

* * *

Reid sat down heavily in his cheap wooden chair, wondering what had just happened. Relief had flooded through him when Blake locked eyes with him and smiled. For one second, Reid was sure that the nightmare was over. But then Blake had called him Ethen. Just the name had brought joy to his friends face until she realized that Ethen wasn't there. She had started to cry. He hadn't known what to do. Was she in pain? How could he help? Before he could decide on the best course of action, Blake had fallen back into a fitful sleep.

With nothing more to do, Reid began to pace across the tiled floor in the cramped room. Blake was under the influence of some powerful pain-reliving dugs; her mind wasn't functioning up to its usual standards. But she had not made this "Ethen" person up. The only time Reid had seen Blake anywhere near this happy was when her husband had surprised her at the BAU, though the happiness he witnessed then was different.

Reid paced more and thought harder. That look, one of loving joy, was familiar. It was the same look that JJ had when she hugged Henry. This realization left Reid more confused than before. Blake didn't have a son.

Did she?

* * *

By dawn, JJ had given up on the idea of sleep and drove back to the hospital to relieve Reid. Usually, getting to sleep wasn't a problem for her. Working at the BAU and raising an active boy had conditioned her to be able to get to sleep anywhere at any time. But every time she began to drift off, JJ could feel her warm lips pressed against Alex's cold wet ones. In the silence of her hotel room, she could hear her friend choking on pond water, desperately trying to suck in air. The vivid memories kept her awake.

JJ decided to call Garcia to give her an update before disturbing Reid. She tried the office phone first, figuring that Garcia probably hadn't even tried to get any sleep. She picked up halfway through the first ring.

"What news do you have for me?" Garcia asked with forced energy.

"Hello to you too," JJ replied sarcastically. "Reid has been keeping her company. I'm about to go and take over for him."

"Did you get any sleep?" Garcia inquired.

"Yeah, A bit," JJ lied.

"I couldn't get any either," Garcia responded. "Especially not when the guy who did this is still out there somewhere. I feel so helpless here! I can't find any more information on him, so I don't know where he's going and I can't be there to sit with Alex and I don't know what to do with myself!"

"State police are taking over the search, they'll find him," JJ reassured her friend. "And Alex is going to be fine. She just needs rest. You should go home or at least take a nap on Hotch's couch." JJ paused, expecting an argument but Garcia remained silent. "I'm at the hospital now Pen. I'll call you once we know anything else."

"You take care of yourself too." Garcia reminded her. "Garcia out!"

JJ sighed as she pocketed her cell. She quietly entered Alex's room and looked around. Reid was slouched dejectedly in the room's only chair, apparently scrutinizing his shoes. "How is she?" JJ asked softly.

Reid jumped slightly and turned to face JJ. He hesitated for a moment before replying. "Fine. She woke up once but it only lasted a minute and she seemed confused. It's a pretty typical response to the medication that she's on."

JJ nodded. There was obviously something that Reid wasn't sharing, but now was not the time to press him. "Go get some sleep Reid. I'll keep her company." Reid dipped his head in acknowledgement and shuffled into the hallway, clearly still ruminating about something.

JJ lowered herself into the chair and gently brushed a lock of hair out of Alex's eyes. Being in the small hospital room reminded JJ of Emily. She had sat with Emily after her surgeries and watched her friend sleep, grateful for each breath she took. Watching Alex brought up similar feelings. She had come so close to losing both of them; the memory of Alex's lifeless lips would not let her forget.

"I was so afraid that we had lost you," JJ told Alex. "I'm sorry that you were out there alone. That we didn't find you fast enough. That you're here and he's out there…" JJ trailed off, rubbing her watering eyes.

She stared at Alex's peaceful face, thinking. Alex fit in well with everyone on the team. She was smart like Reid, tough like Morgan, and determined like Hotch and Rossi. Her presence was so calming; it held the rest of them together and she clearly cared about the people they worked with and about each one of them. "You'd be a great mom." JJ said absently. She settled back into her chair and closed her eyes. Now all she could do was wait.

* * *

**I'm sorry for the longer wait; now that work has started for the summer I have significantly less time. I still plan to update at least once a week, and reviews are very motivating (hint).**


	6. Chapter 6

"Alex? I need you to wake up for me," called a sweet but firm voice. Alex grunted and turned her head, trying to go back to sleep. "I'm not going anywhere until you answer my questions. Then you can rest again. I promise." _Yeah right_ thought Alex. All she wanted to do was sleep, but no one would let her relax. Every time she drifted off, someone with a clipboard would poke her awake and ask stupid questions. "Just open your eyes for me."

Grumpily, Alex obliged, squinting up at the young nurse's face. "There you are!" She said cheerily. "Now all I need you to do is tell me your husband's name and the name of your friend here." Alex glanced around, confused. What friend? Then her eyes landed on the blonde woman smiling down at her. Alex did her best to smile back.

"James is my husband," Alex answered. "And that's JJ. Can I sleep now?"

"Sure. Your IVs all set, so we can go ahead and release you once you've been consciences for a few hours. But you can sleep all you want until then," the nurse replied before leaving the two women in silence.

Alex turned back to JJ. "Hay."

"Hay yourself," JJ replied. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Alex said in a falsely cheery voice. "Head is still kinda fuzzy. But I'm good." She was far from good, but JJ didn't need to know that. Alex could still feel the cold water filling her lungs, flooding through her throat, and bubbling out of her mouth. This sensation, she thought, would be with her for the rest of her life.

JJ gave her a skeptical glare but let the issue slide for the moment. "Morgan and Reid are on their way here. Hotch and Rossi still have some things to take care of but they'll be over soon too."

Alex nodded, wincing at the movement. She tried to bring her right hand up to massage her aching temple but found it encased in a thick white cast. "What happened?"

"What do you remember?" JJ asked.

Alex paused to consider the question. "We were looking for Cissy. It was dark. I'm not sure exactly what happened but I remember the water." She shivered slightly. "Then nothing. Our Unsub knock me out?"

"Yes," JJ replied. "He also broke your wrist. Hotch cracked a few ribs when he-" she paused, swiping a tear from her cheek, "when we gave you CPR." Alex's eyes widened in surprise but otherwise did not react. Her heart had stopped? She had been dead? Alex wasn't sure what to do with this new information so she pushed it to the back of her mind. She could deal with it later when she was alone.

"We get him?"

"Well… no," JJ answered, then hastily added, "but state police are swarming all over the county. We'll get him soon I'm sure."

Alex turned her head, concealing her watering eyes. Usually, she could handle sharing her feelings with other people. Usually, however, those emotions did not involve pain and fear. She couldn't let other people see her like this; she couldn't succumb to the tornado ripping its way through her stomach. Why were these emotions so strong? The last time she had felt so lost was when Ethen-

That must have been it. She had been so close to her son. Maybe she had hallucinated his presents, or maybe some part of her had met with him while her heart was still. Either way, Alex had believed that they would be reunited only to have him torn from her arms once more. Then she found out that the man responsible was still at large, free to kill again. Free to come after her and her family if he chose.

"Alex?" JJs voice interrupted her tumbling thoughts. "It's okay to be scared. You know that right?"

"It's just… I… I couldn't breathe!" Alex confessed.

"I know," JJ soothed. "I know what it feels like. Your lungs burn and you need to get air but there's nothing for you to fight." She looked down at the floor.

"You were-" Alex began to ask.

"Yes. When they had me and Cruz. But it's over now. For both of us." JJ offered Alex a reassuring smile. "And I'm here for you when you need someone."

Alex was surprised by this offer. She had never felt close with JJ before, not the way she felt with Reid. Alex knew that she could never replace the hole left by Emily Prentiss. Perhaps this commonality, terrible as it was, would give them something to connect over. Of course, she would never let that happen. The emotions she was experiencing were too familiar; it was too dangerous to acknowledge them lest the floodgates burst open and Alex didn't think she would be able to push them away again.

"Thank you. I'll be fine once we catch the guy." She told JJ. "Once we know that he won't hurt anyone like that again."

"Alright." The skeptical look on JJ's face told Alex that she hadn't successfully avoided the topic altogether, but her explanation would hold for the time being. She turned her head and closed her eyes, effectively ending the conversation. By the time Morgan and Reid had arrived, Alex had fallen back into a restless sleep.

* * *

**Again, I apologies for the wait. I know that nothing really happened in this chapter; next time Alex will be released from the hospital. Then she and Reid need to have a heart to heart. Tell me what you think! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello again! I am so sorry for the long wait; there has been so much going on these past few weeks and writing has not been a priority. But thanks to a very nice message from one of this story's followers, I decided to give you all another chapter. Enjoy!**

Finally, _finally,_ after Alex clumsily signed form after form with her left hand and reassured everyone that she was fine, the team was heading home. After Morgan and Reid had helped Alex into the back of one of their SUVs and the trio headed to the airstrip. Alex pressed her aching head against the cool glass window, watching the offices and stores pass by their car. Morgan had tried to engage her in a conversation, but she didn't have enough energy to reciprocate. All Alex wanted to do was curl up in her bed with James and sleep forever.

Lost in thought, Alex didn't realize that they had stopped until she felt a hand on her knee. She looked up, startled, into Morgan's dark eyes. "You good?" he asked.

"Yeah, just tired," Alex answered. She allowed him to guide her out of the car and onto the waiting jet, Reid trailing behind them. She smiled at Hotch, Rossi, and JJ who all looked up as they entered. "I'm ready to get out of here, how 'bout you guys?" she asked in a falsely cheery voice.

"Absolutely," Rossi agreed.

Alex gingerly curled up on one of the couches as everyone else got themselves settled. Rossi pulled out some paperwork, Reid opened his book and Morgan fished out his Ipod. Hotch went to tell the pilot that they were all set. Alex could feel her friends' eyes on her but ignored them. She knew that no one was falling for her "everything's fine" act; working with profilers could be exasperating that way. However, they were taking the hint and leaving her alone for the time being, for which she was grateful.

Hotch returned and the plane began to move down the runway. Alex closed her eyes, trying to ignore her headache but failing miserably. The pounding seemed to be increasing with the jet's altitude. She let an almost silent groan pass her closed lips and brought her good hand up to massage her temple. At least the pain kept her emotions in check, Alex though ruefully.

Someone cleared their throat directly above her, causing her to jump slightly. She winced at the movement and brought her hand up to her chest, massaging the cracked ribs. She looked up at Reid's apologetic smile. He silently held out a bottle of water and her bright orange bottle of pain meds. Alex nodded gratefully and took the offering from Reid. He turned and sat in a seat directly across from her.

After struggling with the child-proof cap for a minute, Alex extracted two white tablets, swallowed them dry, and leaned back with a sigh. Soon, she felt the numbing effect spread through her entire body. She stretched out on the cool, tan leather and let the tingling sensation lull her to sleep.

* * *

Alex was back in the pond. She thrashed around, trying to swim up to the surface, but never got any closer. She opened her mouth to call out for help but no sound came out. The water blocked out all noise except for a distant voice, calling out to her. Alex stopped swimming and tried to listen.

"Mommy? Mommy where are you?" It said, sounding scared. "Mommy I need you! Please?"

Alex thrashed with renewed determination, but something was sucking her down farther. No matter how hard she fought, she couldn't make any progress. "Ethen!" she screamed, releasing a stream of tiny bubbles. A small hand stretched out of the darkness. Alex reached back, but he was just beyond her grasp, their fingers only centimeters away.

"Mommy?"

"ETHEN!" But hands were pulling at her body, taking her into the depths of the seemingly bottomless pond.

* * *

Reid couldn't concentrate on his book, a very rare occurrence. His eyes kept wandering over to Blake, who had fallen asleep shortly after they reached cruising altitude. He could see her eyes twitching under their lids. Her lips moved silently, mouthing "Ethen" over and over. Reid didn't know what to do. Blake was clearly trapped in a nightmare, but he didn't know how to wake her or what to do afterwards. If it was any other team member, Reid thought, Alex would know what to do. She always knew exactly what to say to make him feel better.

Looking around the jet, Reid saw the other team members wrestling with similar dilemmas: weather to let Blake wake up on her own or acknowledge that they had all witnessed her struggle.

JJ looked up from her phone and met Reid's concerned gaze. Her bright eyes slid over to Blake's restless form. Immediately, she crept over to the couch. Reid watched as she crouched down and gently rubbed Blake's back, speaking softly into her ear. Blake's eyes flew open. They held so much fear and sorrow it made Reid's chest hurt. It was always hard seeing any one of the team in such pain, but seeing Blake in this state was worse, especially since Reid had no idea what to do about it.

JJ slid onto the couch, holding Blake's hand and continuing to talk softly. Everyone else was looking away, pretending not to know what was going on. Reid looked down at his book and watched out of the corner of his eye as Blake's breathing gradually slowed. She quietly thanked JJ and stood, heading to the plane's cramped bathroom, presumably to clean the tear tracks off her face.

Reid watched the nimbus clouds drift in the light blue sky, giving up on the book altogether. He desperately wanted to help his friend. He wanted to know who Ethen was and why he was connected to this near death experience. Most of all, he felt the need to be there for her, just as she had been there for him on so many occasions. How could he show her that he cared? What did she need? Reid spent the remainder of their trip pondering his dilemma, but couldn't find a single solution.

**Alexandria Minerva 619, James will make an appearance in the next chapter. I wanted to get this chapter up quickly but I also want to get that scene right but I promise, he's coming! Thank you all for your patience! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Updated on 8/27/2014**

Penelope danced around her office, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the team. Morgan had said that Alex would be fine, but she had to see her before the truth sunk in. During the past twenty four hours, Penelope had downed six Monsters and tried to find every scrap of information she could about the Unsub's families, both biological and adoptive. But with the team on their way from the air strip, she no longer had the ability to sit still.

Finally, the quiet ding of the elevator echoed around the abandoned hallway. Penelope rushed out of her office and reached the entryway just as the team was exiting the elevator. Even though she had known what to expect, seeing Alex's injuries and defeated posture up-close was startling. Her normally confident domineer had been replaced by slumped shoulders and a weary expression. Penelope wanted to pull her friend into her arms and never let go. The rest of the team filed through the large glass doors, leaving the two women alone in the entryway.

"Welcome back!" Penelope said in what she hoped was a pleasant and lighthearted tone. She slowly approached Alex and tentatively gave her a gentle hug.

"Thanks Penelope." Alex said tiredly.

"How are you getting home? You can't drive with a concussion right?" She asked.

"I'll just catch a cab. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." Alex answered.

"Don't you think for one second that I'll let you slink home in some filthy taxi when I haven't seen you in almost a week!" Penelope exclaimed. "Let me drive you home."

"Pen-"

"No! Please Alex? I just want to make sure you're okay," Penelope insisted.

Alex paused to think for a moment before nodding in reply.

"Great! Let's go tell the boss man and we'll be on our way." Again, Alex nodded submissively and followed Penelope up to Hotch's office. On their way up, Penelope let out a silent sigh of relief. It was always hard getting a phone call from Morgan or Hotch, informing her that someone had been attacked or shot or blown up, especially when the team was so far away. Now that Alex was back, Penelope was determined to give her as much support and care as she needed, even if she didn't want it.

The pair reached Hotch's office and Penelope stepped in. "Hotch? I'm going to drive Alex home."

Hotch looked up from his computer and nodded. "I don't have to see you tomorrow Garcia. Everyone needs to get some rest."

"Thank you sir," Penelope answered. "I'll see you on Tuesday." She turned sharply on her pink heal and marched out the door, Alex silently in pursuit.

The car ride was almost silent. Penelope tried to start up a conversation about the girls night out they had had with JJ the previous week but Alex barely responded. Clearly, she was exhausted but Penelope could tell that something else was bothering her. This was to be expected, considering her near death experience, but it was still unsettling to see this strong, independent woman looking so fragile.

Luckily, the DC traffic had calmed down for the night so the pair reached Alex's house quickly. They sat in silence for a minute before Alex seemed to come to her senses and realize where they were.

"Thanks for the ride Pen," she said quietly. "I'll call you some time, okay?"

"Will you let me help you with your bag?" Penelope asked hopefully.

"I've got it, don't worry," Alex replied.

Penelope nodded grudgingly and watched Alex gingerly exit the car and retrieve her duffle bag. Alex carefully climbed the steps to her front door, struggled with the lock for a few seconds, and disappeared into the dark hall beyond. Penelope started the car and drove off, wondering if all FBI agents were so frustratingly stubborn or just the ones on her team.

* * *

Alex dropped her go-bag on the floor as soon as she entered the house. Everything was dark and quiet and empty. Alex didn't bother to turn on any lights; she dragged her feet up the stairs, intending to take a long hot shower and collapse in bed. The master bedroom door was closed, but a soft yellow glow shone through the cracks. Surprised, Alex carefully pushed the door open, unsure of what to expect.

"Lexi," said a soft, sorrowful voice from a chair in the corner.

"James?" Alex asked in surprise. "You're home!"

"Of course!" he replied. "I needed to see you. Your boss told me what happened."

Alex watched as her husband crossed the room and held out his arms. He instinctively knew what she needed, just like he always did. The talking would come later; at that moment Alex just wanted to be held. She allowed her drained body to fall against his broad chest. Finally, she felt safe. She no longer needed to appear strong, no longer fought to keep her fear and sadness locked away. James' arms tightened as she let out a sob, allowing the tears to flow freely.

"I've got you," James reassured her. "I've got you." At those words, Alex let herself feel the terror of being held under water. She acknowledged the physical pain and the mental exhaustion that had plagued her since the attack. She wept for Ethen. James held her as she cried, kissing her hair and letter her know that she wasn't alone, that she would never be alone.

Slowly, the tears dried and her breathing evened out. The pair stood in the doorway until Alex's shaking legs gave up. James gracefully pulled her into his arms and gently laid her on the bed. Alex curled up and buried her face in one of the fluffy white pillows, blocking out the rest of the world.

James leaned over and tenderly kissed his wife's greasy hair. "I'll get a bath ready," he told her, disappearing into the bathroom. While she waited, Alex focused on her breathing. Each lungful reminded her that she wasn't under water anymore. Every exhale of warm air past her cracked lips and reassured her that she would be okay. James would take care of her; he was the only one that Alex would submit to. After all, they would not have survive Ethen's death without the ability to lean on each other.

James reappeared a few minutes later and pulled Alex to her feet. She allowed him to guide her to the bathroom with a firm hand on her lower back. She numbly observed as he removed her clothing and helped her into the warm water. Any energy Alex had had left vanished. She let the tension flow from her taught shoulders and allowed James to massage the grime from her limp hair.

After every single cell had been scrubbed clean, Alex let James wrap her in a thick green towel and find some silk pajamas in their dresser. He led her battered body over to the bed and firmly tucked her in, giving her cheek a kiss just like he used to for their son.

When he turned to leave, Alex snaked her hand from beneath the covers and grasp his wrist. "Stay?" She requested.

"Always." He didn't even pause to change his cloths. Instead, he pulled back the covers, enveloping her curled body. She snuggled into his chest as he put a protective arm over her waist. James would chase the nightmares away and keep her safe all night.

* * *

**James and Alex were reunited as promised! Please let me know what you think; I wasn't sure how to approach the scene since I don't remember much about their relationship.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Good news everyone! Criminal Minds is now on Netflix which means that I can refer back to the episodes any time and (hopefully) will help me update a bit less sporadically when I write the sequel, though school is starting next week so no promises. **

_Alex was underwater. She flailed about, desperate to escape the large hands holding her under. They squeezed her shoulders and shoved her down farther. The hands disappeared but she continued to sink away from the distant shimmering light and into the darkness. Water filled her lungs and throat. She was going to drown. She was going to die._

A sharp dinging filled the sleepy house, startling Alex out of her nightmare. She sat up on the couch, her good hand going to her chest. Her eyes darted around the room as she frantically gulped the air into her burning lungs. Someone's knuckles wrapped against the door, bringing her mind back to the present. She was at home. Safe. This was her familiar living room in DC, far away from any green ponds and serial killers fueled by anger and hate.

Alex gingerly pushed herself off the couch and shuffled to the door, expecting another delivery from Edible Arrangements. Garcia had already sent two. When the door swung inwards, Alex was surprised to see the somber face of Spencer Reid looking back at her. "Reid, what?" Alex asked, confused.

"Blake, I tried to call first but no one answered," Reid hastily explained. "None of us have heard from you, so I contacted your husband. He said you could use a visit?"

"Um, yeah. Yes. Come in," Alex replied. She stood back and directed the young genius to the living room. "Do you want anything to drink? Water or I could make some coffee…"

"I just wanted to see if you were okay," Reid said, sitting on the edge of the cream-colored couch.

"I'm fine Reid," Alex said defensively. "The past few days have been pretty dull, but I'm allowed to read now so things are looking up. The headaches are much better too. As soon as this arm heals I'll be ready to get back to work."

"That's not what I meant Blake."

"I'm _fine_," Alex repeated.

Reid looked down at his shoes, clearly struggling to find a reply. After a minute of awkward silence he looked back up, right into Alex's tired eyes. "My heart stopped once, seven years ago, after being tortured by an Unsub. I still get scared thinking about what almost happened. You died less than a week ago. Everyone knows that you're not 'fine'."

Alex felt her chest tighten at Reid's confession. Picturing him splayed across the ground – eyes rolled back and lifeless – made her heart ache. "Reid, I'm so sorry."

"It was a long time ago," he said, dismissing her comment. "The point is, the team is hear for you. I am hear for you." He paused for a minute, seemingly collecting her courage before continuing, "Blake, who is Ethen?" Alex stared at him. "In the hospital, when you first woke up, you thought I was Ethen," he explained. "Who is he?"

Alex looked down at the floor, tears pooling at the corners of her eyes. She knew that she would have to tell the team, especially Reid, one day. "Ethen was my son. He died when he was nine." She sniffed audibly swiped at a tear that had escaped and was making its way down her cheek. "You remind me of him so much Reid. The way he smiled, his eyes…"

Reid scooted closer and took her good hand in both of his. "Blake, Alex, I'm so sorry." Alex looked at him and he squeezed her hand gently. She squeezed back silently thanking him for his support.

"I just, when he, when I was in the water I thought I saw him. I thought he was there. I wanted to fight for him." It felt stupid to say this out loud. Obviously she had been hallucinating. Reid would know this.

"Hallucinations are common during near death experiences," Reid explained. "Your brain conjured the person you needed to convince you to overcome the suffocation for a few more seconds. In a way, he was there."

Alex gazed into Reid's eyes – eyes filled with concern but also intelligence and curiosity – and smiled. "In some way, I think he was."

* * *

Over the next week, Spencer went to visit Blake every evening after work. He had been apprehensive before his first visit – emotions were not his strong suit – but Blake's confession about Ethen had formed a bond between them. They hadn't discussed her son since that afternoon but Spencer didn't feel the need to pursue the matter further. Spencer and Blake had a connection now; it felt good to have someone again.

On Friday, Spencer came over earlier to have lunch and keep Blake company while her husband was out at a meeting. They made sandwiches and enjoyed watching the final episode of The Cosmos. As the credits rolled, Spencer pondered the plausibility of string theory. He was just calculating the statistical probability for the existence of upwards of ten dimensions when Blake interrupted his calculations.

"Reid, I want you to know something," she said seriously. Reid felt his stomach twist. Blake was wearing the exact same expression as both JJ and Emily had when they said they would be leaving the BAU. "I've been doing a lot of thinking, about what I want my future to look like. James and I barley ever see each other with our work schedules and I've been thinking about how much I miss having a child. We see so many in our work who need a safe home and someone to love them. But I can't do that and work at the BAU."

"You're leaving." It wasn't a question. He should have known better. Everyone he got attached to left him. Everyone he cared about, who cared about him. They all left. He stood up and turned away. He had to escape before Blake saw how upset he was. "I'll see you later then, when you hand in your badge and gun," he said dejectedly, heading towards the door.

"Reid wait!" Blake called. Spencer heard her grunt in pain as she rushed to get up. He stopped but didn't turn around. "Spencer! I'm not going anywhere," she said reasuringly.

He turned and looked at her skeptically. "It won't be the same as working with you."

"I mean I'm not leaving the unit. I couldn't do that to you and the rest of the team. I wanted to tell you that I made the decision to let go of that part of my life. I've been holding onto Ethen, hoping that I'll get that same chance someday. But all of this has made me realize that I have another family, not the one that I dreamed of, but we're still a family."

Spencer cautiously approached her again, blushing slightly at his outburst. He studied the hardwood floors beneath his shiny black shoes, feeling Blake's concerned eyes on him. He couldn't bring himself to meet them. Instead he waited for her to make the next move.

"I have an evaluation with the Doctor on Tuesday, hopefully I can return to desk duty by the end of the week," she informed him.

Spencer felt relief flooding his body. Blake wasn't going anywhere and soon things would go back to normal. Better than normal, in fact, now that he knew Blake better. She was letting go of her son for him, maybe he could let go of his past mentors for her. They could leave their pasts behind together and move on as a strange but loving family.

**Yeah, the ending is a bit over the top, but I had to figure out how to work the title in there and I didn't want to drag all this stuff out for too long. Please, **_**please**_** let me know what you thought of the story overall and if you are interested in a sequel. And thank you so much for reading!**


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